Defeated yet Victorius

Its an internal battle.

A single rope around my mind, spirit and soul being pulled two ways. The call of Christ is embraced then suddenly it falls on deaf ears, once again. Why does that happen? It’s no secret that my walk has been a mess. Trying most of the time. The passion ignites the fire then anger and anxiety pour out of me snuffing the flame.

Once again I walk away. Distant. Wondering what if. Wondering why I didn’t fight through it. I’ve fallen back into the rut of familiarity. Its a cycle that repeats itself over and over again, not unlike my struggles with depression and mania. On fire one week,  cold the next. Full of hope,  then it all shatters leaving me guilt ridden, angry and defensive. Encouragement does nothing but ignite more anger.

I long for more spiritually but I don’t want it………It fills me yet I’m empty. The reserve gets filled but the drain has been pulled. Frustration.

I gather armor and weapons to fight but the energy escapes me.

Why?

Yes you can explain and I get it…

But do I?

It’s like a roller coaster shooting way up high,  full of adrenalin,  then it peaks, sitting there briefly, then panic stricken it all races down, only to rise again. At this point, knowing what to expect but still full of fear and anxiety.

I open the Good Book, stare at a page then my mind escapes to a dreamland not fully knowing what where or why. Then I close the Word, lost and frustrated. Thoughts are racing its all very confusing.

I want the knowledge, or at least I do until it’s time to absorb it, then reality mixes with, well I don’t know what it mixes with but reality seems lost. So I put the Bible down defeated yet somehow I’m left with a feeling of victory.

Coming time to be in the body of Christ feels good for a time then its too crowded. The walls seem to cave in. Anxiety, skin crawling, legs bouncing, thoughts racing, confusion, then I escape. I flee, not looking back, and I run right into guilt.

Defeated yet somehow feeling victorious.

In the end I’m left wondering when this tug of war will stop. I wonder which side will win and I wonder what end I was pulling for.

I wonder if I’ll bow down to defeat or if I will stand in Victory