That Nasty 7 Letter Word

Suicide.

I fuckin hate that word.

Each one of those letters drop in my head over and over again until that word forms, then it explodes into pieces and the letters begin to fall again, like an old broken record it keeps repeating itself.

That word came back last night and it came back loud.

As all the kiddies were out gathering candy I was laying in a dark room with an even darker mind and those letters kept dropping.

DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I heard from that oh to common voice again.

It robs you of everything. Your confidence, self worth, innocence, your identity. It erases anything good in your mind and feeds you junk. Feeds you lies and tries to feed you false truths that everything would be better.

DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s relentless, it’s tiring, it’s real, it’s powerful.

You’re  no good, what kind of man are you, You’re worthless, You’re no father, You’re weak, You’re useless, you don’t deserve her, you can’t build anything, you can’t fix a car, You’re a girl, if you were a man you could do these things. Useless, fat, lazy. Christian? Ya right, You’re a baby.

DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over and over and over again.

You lie in it as it consumes you. No strength, it’s exhausted you. Your left with fear, terror and anger.

Why am I like this? Because you’re useless. Why do I go through this? Because you’re weak. Why me? Because you deserve to die. There is a negative answer for every one of you’re questions. Every time I fight back those letters drop even faster…..S…..U…..I…..C…..I…..D…..E…..

DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour.

Letters falling, racing, voices, visions, terror, memories, fright, alone, darkness, screams. STOP! STOP! STOP!

So I lay there. Paralyzed,  yet fighting,  fighting back like I always do. With what, I don’t know. There is no happy thoughts, no confidence building, no sunshine and marigolds. The sky is black and its windy and the rain is coming down like daggers, each one stabbing and ripping me apart.

BUT I fight, with all I’ve got left. I fight through the urge and finally, exhausted I fall asleep. As I wake up this morning, the first thing I notice is a splitting head ache.  I then gather my thoughts and remember last night.

A little voice says, “you won, you beat it again.” Relieved, yes, but still I get angry.

Angry that depression has once again gotten the best of me. Once again it’s robbed me time with my family, once again robbed me of memories. I may have won that battle but it wasn’t without a cost. I yelled at my wife and I don’t even know what my kids went out as last night. No smiles, no laughter, no enjoying the moment with them, no fun memories. It consumed me.

I may have won, but I think I lost. And then I hear that voice.

See…….I told you so…….What kind of father are you………

And there it is folks, a tiny but powerful seed just got planted for the next time. The next time those letters fall………

EDITORS NOTE ~ I’ve heard this countless of times and it sickens me…..Please DO NOT SAY OR ASSUME that a Suicide victim just took the easy way out. Believe me people when I tell you,  there is nothing EASY about living with ANY form of Mental Illness and resulting Suicidal Ideations. It’s an ongoing and fierce battle in your mind.  Sometimes your victorious but sometimes the battle is just too great.

I have Doctors, Family and Friends that help and support me and whether I feel it or not I also have God on my side.

PLEASE if your dealing with something yourself I URGE you to get the help you need. DO NOT fight this battle ALONE.

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