The medication wasn’t working, God wasn’t working, life wasn’t working. Suicide sounded good.
But suicide was not the answer.
I have a loving, Godly wife and two wonderful children. Many friends and a whole life ahead of me. Suicide was NOT the option I wanted to take.
The doctors asked me if I would consider ECT or Shock Therapy as it’s commonly referred to. I said no as I didn’t like the sound of the possible side effects. He then told me there was another treatment…rTMS or Rapid Trans cranial Magnetic Stimulation. Its non intrusive, the side effects are minimal…..why not. I decided to give it a go.
I wrote about it earlier on. I also delve more into my situation and the development of my eldest daughters ever increasing problem. Click the link to read it but don’t forget to comeback to finish this blog entry.
So in short the rTMS pulled me out of the suicidal thinking and depression. It was a success but not 100%. I still had to go every few weeks for a maintenance treatment. Life was better but God still really wasn’t there. I was just flirting with Him.
Then when the situation with my daughter got worse my anxiety and depression increased to a dangerous point. I could no longer handle a stress at work that I had been dealing with for a couple years. Everything just crashed on me. Paranoia set in, agitation, anger, and that Damn suicidal depression returned. I left work and went on disability and the depression deepened. Driving home from a trip up north I decided to end it. I undid my seat belt, accelerated and rolled the windows down. In my mind, rolling the car in hopes that I would be ejected onto the highway was the best solution for me. It was done. The end………..
Well through the tears that flowed out of me, I glanced over and saw a hospital sign, next exit…I thought of my kids, my wife, and my friends. Through strength probably only possible from God, instead of cranking the wheel I wiped my tears and headed to the next exit.
I went to emerg and checked myself in. I spent the mandatory 72 hours in lock down on the psych floor and I vowed never EVER to try that again.
Life went on for several months with no real improvement. The doctor convinced me at that point that Shock Therapy was the next step to recovery. I desperately wanted to break free from the bondage of depression so I agreed.
12 treatments, 2 a week progress progress progress…and like the rTMS, the Shock Therapy was a success. It pulled me out of the pit. Some things remain, like the stressful thoughts of returning to work and being robbed. THAT paranoia has not disappeared but the depression seems to have taken a hike.
Side effects? Oh Yes.
I did Bi-Lateral ECT, in which they shock both temples. Its more effective than Uni-Lateral ECT ( only one side of your head is shocked) BUT the chance of memory loss is greater…..and so it is. Forgetting events, people, details, appointments, the past…its all affected but the doctors assure me it will return within about 6 months. Thank goodness because its very frustrating.
So here I am. Recovering from ECT. Depression gone. Work stress still there ( to be dealt with) and now I’m just waiting to tell you about the next leg on my journey but not today………..Stay tuned folks, this is where it get’s exciting……
To be continued………